The Sucker Punch
I probably shouldn’t be so hard on the parents who think their perfect kids are the result of their perfect parenting (and think my kids’ issues are exaggerated, made up, or easily fixed by a mere cracking of the whip).
I could so easily have been one of them myself … if I had stopped after my first kid.
Apart from the first 12 weeks of ear-splitting, sanity-shattering, soul-shriveling colic, my first child was like Mary Poppins –
She was smart, talented, and studious …. she had beautiful handwriting, always did her homework impeccably and on time, was organized and graceful and sweet, and was an incredibly gifted artist and a superb gymnast … yep, practically perfect in every way.
I would love to take credit for all of that.
And I probably would have, too … if I hadn’t had my second child.
Hellooooooo, reality check!
The other day, I was trading war stories comparing notes (read – “we both raised kids who are the reason we are now using more hair dye than the average bear”) with a friend from high school.
I mentioned how I could so easily have been that smug, “You just need to set limits/My child always does her homework” kind of mom … if I hadn’t had my “I’m a perfect parent” ass handed to me on a platter when Kid #2 came around.
“Yeah, that’s my story, too …” she said. “We call that –
‘THE SUCKER PUNCH.'”
I’ve seen both kinds of families … the kind where you get knocked flat on your butt by punch #1 before the bell even rings to start the first round (this was Martha) …. and the kind where you’re standing there buckling on your I’m-The-King-of-the-World Perfect Parent Championship Belt when all of a sudden, out of nowhere … Pow!!! Right in the kisser! (that would be me).
As hard … and as humbling … as that Sucker Punch is, it does have its advantages, as compared with Option #1.
You know that “gnawing pit in your stomach” when you first start to realize that something is not quite right with your kid?
When it’s Kid #2, at least you have some kind of basis for comparison. And that can definitely help you identify issues and get some sort of treatment much earlier in the game.
It also helps take away some of the guilt involved with having a kid with issues. Face it – if you think your child is an extension of you and your parenting (as many parents of first and/or only children do …. they haven’t had that nature vs. nurture additional-child-experience in their homes yet) … then you may somehow feel responsible not just for your inability to “fix” the issues, but for the actual issues themselves … and ugh, that is an awfully heavy load to carry.
But if you have already had a “neurotypical” kid, it’s easier to know that you didn’t cause whatever is going on. (And by the way — those “neurotypical” siblings? They’ll probably land their own sucker punches on you later in the game, while you’re paying attention to Issues Kid …. )
Yes, I may still have little stars and birdies flying around my head from that Sucker Punch.
But it made me grow as a mom (and an individual), helped me identify and address what was going on without the added burden of feeling guilty about it, made me interested in learning more about different kids with different temperaments and different learning styles (which is absolutely what led me to become a teacher in my 40s), and gave me a “sh*t just got real” wake-up call which took me off autopilot, out of “I’m a perfect parent” mode, and into a whole new journey.
And maybe Martha put it best! I was a little stuck on how to wrap up this post, so I asked her what she thought. Here’s what she said:
Wow! Can’t tell you how many times I have thought this. I WAS that mom during the 4 yr span between first, perfect child and second, “issues” child. I WAS the mom clucking her tongue in the supermarket when an unruly kid was acting out..”that mom isn’t reading enough parenting books”, I said to myself. I have to say though, with all of the stress that comes along with a difficult child, it has humbled me in ways I never would have experienced otherwise, helped me develop a better sense of empathy for all people dealing with mental health issues, and has helped me to evolve into an authentic person.
Katy, that was me, too … “It’s really not that hard; of course my child eats all her vegetables and does her homework perfectly as soon as she comes home from school and everyone smiles at her all the time, everywhere she goes, because she’s so wonderful ….. That other mother is just not controlling her child.” …. Yep ………
Of course the second benefit (other than getting to be humbled) to having a child who processes the world “differently” is that you get to do so as well. Getting to see the world through his eyes has been challenging also been a wonderland. As an art appraiser, it always seemed to me that Van Gogh looked at the world through a prism. That is what raising #2 was like for me; it let me view the world through the beautiful, (ok, sometimes disturbing) world that was his unique “prism”. Now that the dust has settled on his childhood, and thank goodness we have both survived, I continually encourage him to see his difference as a gift. He sees possibility where others see routine.
Exactly, Cindy!!!! So beautifully put!!!!!!! So glad our paths crossed again at this point in our lives … it’s just another great reminder that the more open and honest we are about what we’re dealing with, the more chance we have to connect with and gain understanding and perspective from others around us who may be travelling on the same path … a path we wouldn’t even know we were on together, if we didn’t start talking about it! Let’s all surround ourselves with travelling partners who (like you) have a positive outlook and deeply compassionate perspective … and are fun – and funny – in the process!
Cindy! I can’t agree more! I have probably had my best laughs with my son. His unwillingness to take things at face value and call a spade a spade has only enriched my life and view of the world!
Great post. I often say that if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I shouldn’t judge other parents – not that I follow that rule all the time… One thing I find that my other kids are my harshest critics (I’d love to see a post on that topic sometime). I grew up with a little sister with “issues” but my parents never gave me information about it. So I had to cope with a lot, in the dark. As a result, I’ve tried to give my kids lots of information – which they seem to either resent or actively disbelieve! You can’t win.
I know that my Kid #1 felt (either overtly or subconsciously, and either correctly or incorrectly) that her childhood was hijacked by Kid #2’s issues. I have so many feelings around this, and definitely will be writing about them. It was hard to be a good mom to everyone, and I think some of my most painful feelings are around that issue (and how they all reacted to it). It’s so interesting that you yourself were Kid #1 in this scenario, and then went on to see it in your own family and tried to head it off at the pass … You are so right in saying that we often can’t win … at least not in the short run … but remember, there’s always the long run, and for that, I bet you actually did a whole lot more good than you realize by being open and honest with your kids!
BINGO!
Helen, so true. For some reason the older siblings somehow believe that they know better. And sometimes, I think they’re right (which pisses me off) but either way, I become so defensive about issues child, that in the process of having the conversation, I know I’m just building on the issues they have developed themselves from being the sibling of the issues child. That was a run on sentence, sorry. But I think you’ll get the gist. But like you said, it’s a no win.
I am finally getting a new perspective after reading all these responses.
Growing up, I had a younger sibling with major issues that my parents were beyond defensive about and went out of their way to protect her even from the rest of their kids. Fast forward years later and a rift was formed that has literally splintered the family and profoundly affected my view about how much oxygen one family member is allowed to take at the expense of all others, no matter what their issues are.
Do you sacrifice an entire family’s healthy dynamic and peace of mind over one person?
I remember how resentful I felt as the eldest child in my birth family and now that I have an issues child myself, these memories drive much of my belief system. I have two kids whereas my parents were juggling four and that alone dramatically affects family dynamics but I realized that as I was falling all over myself to treat both my kids equally, my non issues child (at least she was at the time but that’s a whole other story) told me numerous times over the years how she felt slighted by her brother. There is no way for things to be fair and equitable at all times with our kids. Sometimes, one’s issues will trump another’s. It the nature of the beast.
Where did any of us ever get the idea that we had to treat all our kids exactly the same all the time?
I am done feeling badly, thank goodness because the day that my daughter started having issues of her own I realized that I would do no less for her than I would do or have done for my son. Kids perspectives can be widely skewed and grossly unfair. It’s way too easy to judge a parent when you’re a know it all kid and yet we parents need to understand that the decisions we make can and often do have lasting effects both positive and negative so I try hard to always make decisions from that awareness. It’s brutally hard at times but I feel its the best I can offer them even if they don’t know it.
I am getting a new perspective after reading all these responses.
Growing up, I also had a younger sibling with major issues that my parents were beyond defensive about and went out of their way to protect her even from the rest of their kids. Fast forward years later and a rift was formed that has literally splintered the family and profoundly affected my view about how much oxygen one family member is allowed to take at the expense of all others, no matter what their issues are.
Do you sacrifice an entire family’s healthy dynamic and peace of mind over one person?
I remember how resentful I felt as the eldest child in my birth family and now that I have an issues child myself, these memories drive much of my belief system. I have two kids whereas my parents were juggling four and that alone dramatically affects family dynamics but I realized that as I was falling all over myself to treat both my kids equally, my non issues child (at least she was at the time but that’s a whole other story) told me numerous times over the years how she felt slighted by her brother. There is no way for things to be fair and equitable at all times with our kids. Sometimes, one’s issues will trump another’s. It the nature of the beast.
Where did any of us ever get the idea that we had to treat all our kids exactly the same all the time?
I am done feeling badly, thank goodness because the day that my daughter started having issues of her own I realized that I would do no less for her than I would do or have done for my son. Kids perspectives can be widely skewed and grossly unfair. It’s way too easy to judge a parent when you’re a know it all kid and yet we parents need to understand that the decisions we make can and often do have lasting effects both positive and negative so I try hard to always make decisions from that awareness. It’s brutally hard at times but I feel its the best I can offer them even if they don’t know it.
You’ve just described what I call the “Whack-a-Mole” nature of having kids with issues plus siblings who don’t have those issues ….. suddenly, those other kids pop up with some other (often major) issue. I doubt those secondary-kid-issues are completely a result of the issues-kid-issues, but I’m fairly certain they are exacerbated by the general family stress (and, in my case, my overwhelmed-ness). Then, the (not so) funny thing is that at some point, you realize that your “issues kid” has become your easiest kid! And you’re like, “WTF????”
Sounds like a lot of your decisions were made consciously, because you were able to draw on your own experience and what that felt like. I think I was in reactive, rather than proactive, mode with regard to siblings, family, etc. …. which is the kind of mode that leads you to look back and say, “Oh, f*ck.” But I do know I did the best I could at the time.
If I sound like I have a clue, trust me I don’t, personal experience notwithstanding. My Mom did the best she could but I’m still critical despite knowing better, go figure?
Seriously, where did any of us ever get the crazy idea that all our kids should be treated equally at any given time? I’m seriously asking where this came from? I will try to Google it and report back(:
Whack-A-Mole was my favorite game at that vile bastion of supposed kid fun (Chuck E. Cheese) that I’m convinced all parents hate, admitted or not. Now I know why.
Still have yet to experience my WTF moment when issues kid is trumped by non/lesser issues kid. If this happens, then I will know for sure that I’m in the Twilight Zone.
Wondering if I’m the only one out there who admits to telling one kid to put their issues on hold, punch out for the day and go have a cold drink because the other one’s issues are rearing and they got to me first. I hate multitasking!
Ha! No, you are not the only one!
As for where anyone got the idea that our kids should be treated equally all the time … well, in my house, that idea came directly from my three kids, who were keeping constant inventory! I used to count Christmas presents to make sure the numbers were even …. everything always had to be even, because they were all keeping track. My favorite and most illustrative story of this is when I had bought three IDENTICAL Lion King plastic placemats for my kids …. three of the exact same placemats, because I knew that they would fight over three different ones ….. and somehow, they figured out that Timon’s tongue (which maybe was a millimeter long) was white on two of the placemats and pink on one of them. I kid you not. And then they fought over the pink-tongue placemat every single night. * sigh *
In real life (not kids’ eye view) regarding for what’s “fair”, though … I remember using the following analogy with other parents regarding modifications for certain issues … when they said it wasn’t fair for one kid to have something and not another: If one kid has strep throat and one kid doesn’t, is it fair that you only give antibiotics to the kid with strep throat? It doesn’t have anything to do with fair. It has to do with what they need.
By the way, you are blowing my theory of “my kids will finally understand if they have issues-kids of their own!” …… You mean they’ll still judge me even if they go through this themselves? Oh well. Might as well pour myself a cold drink ….. 🙂
Funny how kids are able to so easily manipulate their parents. They seem to pop out knowing how. I can relate 100% to what you said about everything needing to be equal. The placemat story is priceless and a great example of how deep this issue runs. Holiday gifts also had to be counted to the letter in our house. My daughter always had an issue with being slighted. She is four years younger and in her world the priveleges that come with being older simply do not or should not exist. Any treat brought home had to be exactly the same, cookies, cupcakes. Little plastic toys had to be the exact same size and color. Nothing could be different. I never realized others were dealing with this as well. I just thought my own kids were too high strung.
You are so right. It does have to do with what they need. I am going to use that going forward. Brilliant analogy!
Long story short, my parents made decisions that I didn’t agree with then or now so I Iearned from them what not to do which as you know can be a powerful motivator. I will still make mistakes and I don’t yet know if all my decisions will turn out to be the best in the end but I do know that I have two things going for me that my own parents did not, a greater base of knowledge regarding the issues my kids face and the ability to remain fluid in the ever-changing form these issues take. Perhaps I should give them some credit for this? What I went through as a child could very well have prepared me better for the challeges I now face.
Love this! Great writing style and a lot of fun. I can feel your sucker punch…I can see your stars and birds.
Thanks!!! I can still hear the little birdies tweeting … and I don’t mean on Twitter!!!
Have you read “Shut Up About Your Perfect Kid?” I was totally thinking of that book as I read your post. Very different mommy perspectives there and brutally honest, especially about that “POW” sucker punch.
Hi! I haven’t read their book yet, but do know about them! We “Liked” them on Facebook and also follow them on Twitter …. It will be great to connect with them more in the future; there is so much strength in numbers! (And I guess there is a reason I like odd numbers best …..)