Secret Issues Mom

(After channeling Marlo Thomas with “That Girl,” I have 60s theme songs running through my head …. so if you remember “Secret Agent Man,” please hum that theme song that to yourself as you read on about Secret Issues Mom!)

Have you ever read something and your first thought was –

DAMN, that’s good!

And then your second thought was –

DAMN, I am so pissed I didn’t write that myself!!!

Well, that happened to me last night when I received the email below. But I’m repressing my envy long enough to reprint it here as a Secret Guest Blogger post.

Our Secret Issues Mom is “Gina,” the subject of The Good News Is, It Gets Better. The Even Better News Is ….”  Apparently, her “Issues? Issues? Whose kid is she talking about?”-Men-in-Black-flashlighted-memory-loss seems to be wearing off as a result of reading this blog ….

And we are the lucky beneficiaries! (Even if it means she may have to go back on her meds ….)

So read on to take Secret Issues Mom’s perfect quiz to help you identify if your child has issues.

by Secret Issues Mom

I’d like to suggest an inexpensive, non-invasive test to diagnose a kid with issues.   

    1. Purchase a 100% white cotton tee shirt   
    2. Launder it with a very mild detergent
    3. Run it through the rinse cycle twice
    4. Put shirt on child

Rating results:

A. Child puts on shirt and goes out to play  –   no issues

B.  Child puts on shirt and says it itches  –  mild issues

C.  Child screams, rolls on the floor and tries to tear the shirt off – severe issues. (Quickly find a doctor … one who’s willing to write unlimited Valium prescriptions for you!)

D.  Spend the next 15-25 years wasting your time, energy, and money going to various experts trying to help child with issues

E. If you’re really lucky, one day “issues child” becomes an incredible adult in spite of all your bungled attempts at helping him/her

Optional – F. You go for inpatient treatment to kick the tranquilizer/alcohol “issue” you’ve acquired.

Not optional – G. Thank the spirits of your ancestors for watching over you and issues child.

Okay, maybe I do have some residual memory traces of “those years.” I think sometimes reading your stuff brings on post traumatic stress disorder…

Keep on fighting the good fight!


Secret Issues Mom


Thanks, Secret Issues Mom!

And by the way, I do Option G every single day.

PS – Here’s that theme song! Remember – Secret ..ISSUES MOM! Secret ..ISSUES MOM!

UPDATE – Actual “Secret Issues Mom” theme song in our next post!