School Refusal X Two = Feeling like a Failure….No, School’s Stupid….Wait….Let’s watch The Secret
I’ll admit it. All our trials and tribulations led me to learn how to read tarot cards and look for signs in nature because I didn’t know what the f*ck else to do. I felt utterly powerless so I tried to find greater meaning in everything. Oh! There’s a red bird! Jimmy WILL go to school today! 11:11! Today is the day! But mostly he did not and to top it off my younger son took notes and decided that school sucked for him too and started refusing to go. NIGHTMARE!
AAAAAAAAAAND everyday my husband would anxiously call to see if they made it to school and when I said “no” he would lecture me about WHY they needed to get to school.
Let’s hit me over the head with a baseball bat and state the obvious. Duh.
Sooooooooo, occasionally to save my sanity I would lie. I felt like I was sandwiched between my children’s anxiety and my husband’s anxiety. I was a triple decker anxiety club sandwich with a pickle and a decorative tooth pick skewered through my middle….
But, that’s not all……enter the call of shame. As you all know we have to call the school and inform them that “Jimmy” and now “Joey” are not coming to school because they are ummmmm…….well…..oh sick. NOT.
Their mother has simply completely lost control of her perfectly healthy boys and there is a full blown school refusal sit-in going on.
A tarot card that resonated with me……
Confession. I was so desperate that I told my son that the only way he could stay home one day was if he watched THE SECRET. I guess I thought that if he started to think we can manifest our future it would give him hope and a sense of purpose….that or he would think that his mom was completely nuts.
Fast forward years of going through the morning motions, pretending that everything would turn out ok and everybody would make it to school…..cycling through fear, failure, anxiety, trying to see the forest from the trees and telling myself that maybe it is all happening for a reason…because both kids finally made it out the door…..
One just landed in Rome this morning. The other is out in CA. Two little boys who stuck to me like glue are now out in the world and really want to be anywhere BUT home…..
Hang in there, mom’s of kids with school refusal! Tip. I figured out when to call the school and leave a message so I didn’t have to actually talk to anybody…….just saying’…
I read this post and wracked my brain trying to remember when I had written it…in other words, you hit home. Right down to the anxious husband! Keep going, ladies!
Hey Helen! It’s awesome to know that I have company……I would have done almost anything to get my kids to go to school. I once sat in the CVS parking lot from 8:00 AM until 2:00 PM with my son….cycling through coaxing, begging, bribing….and just like in our YouTube video Sh*t Mom’s With Kids With Issues Say…. we sat there eating his lunch.
So what I want to know is….what is your best school refusal story?!!!
Where to begin? Was it the time in 4th grade where we literally walked around the block hiding behind trees because his class had gone outside for gym and we couldn’t be seen? Or the myriad times sitting in the school parking lot for 2-3 hours, praying someone would “happen” to come outside because if I texted or called, all hell would break loose? Drinking coffee in the McDonald’s across the way while waiting for the call? Or perhaps the go-round of “home-schooling” (yes, I went there) when it seemed the only option! Seriously, the therapeutic school we found has been amazing — bringing him back from zero several times.
You are brave to try home schooling! That fake title that we wrote – “If I Ever Tried Home Schooling, There Would Be Nothing Left But Claws and Fluff” is 100% true in my case! How fantastic that you were able to find the right school … What is it about the therapeutic school that works so well? Do you think there is anything similar that could have been done in the regular school to make it better? Just wondering, for parents who might not have a therapeutic school near them … and who want to advocate for changes that could help … and who, like me, would be nothing but a pile of claws and fluff if we tried home schooling …..
The biggest difference at a therapeutic school is that they are better equipped to handle “issues.” At the regular school the reaction to my son tended to be that he had behavioral problems (never mind that they thought he was terrific until suddenly…he wasn’t). As a result, they would trigger the flight response rather than looking for the real issue. The therapeutic school also is able to deal with the school refusal in a much deeper way — with gradual reintegration and therapy (behavioral mod) once he got to school. They were really willing to try anything, including meeting him somewhere else to figure out a plan. whereas the public school just threw up their hands. I also think it helps to see that other kids have issues – it gives them a better tolerance themselves, and helps them to feel less alienated. Finally, amazing teacher/student ratio.
Oh Helen, I am so happy for you. I am sure it changed your life!
Isn’t it amazing the sense of relief that washes over you when they finally do go to school. I remember feeling completely different on the days that my son made it in the door. I could go from 0 to 100 in seconds and it also set the tone for my entire day. The same would happen on days that he would not go….I could get up feeling just fine and then sink to the depths. Ruth and I joke that we have post traumatic stress syndrome, but, I think we actually do to some degree…….everytime my phone rang my heart would race….. (I get the “thought he was terrific until suddenly….he wasn’t”)
I am wondering how many children go through this and what parents who don’t have therapeutic school/resources do……what happens to that kid? I was fortunate like you, in that, I had options. What percentage of kids with school refusal end up dropping out eventually? Something to look in to…..
a question… if roles were reversed, would you have gladly gone to this particular school each day? Was it the school perhaps that was causing the anxiety? – we moved our son recently and he is doing better.
Hi Jodi!
That’s awesome that your son is doing better! Kudos! Truthfully, I can’t tell you if I would have done better in my sons school. We did have my eldest at another school with a smaller setting….very creative….for a period of time and he definitely went through bouts of school refusal. His bouts were not as intense but they happened…..who knows! I’m just glad were through it!
We’d love to hear more about your experience…. how you found the new school and what is making the difference! I’m sure there is another mother out there that would benefit from your story. Changing schools is a big deal!
I agree, changing schools is a huge deal … and Helen, above, talked about doing the same thing … I’m so glad it’s made such a great difference for both of you (and your kids) …. I just wish that it were not necessary, and that schools could find a way to be understanding and creative about this in the first place, to save you and your children from the trauma that you obviously went through before moving schools! Do you think there is anything at all that could have helped your son in his original school?