Top 7 Responses to the Stupid Things People Say to Moms of Kids with Issues
Ahhh, those wonderful and “well-meaning” people who always have something to say about our “issues kids” and our parenting.
We first wrote about them in our Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions post, but they really need no introduction.
We have come up with a long, long, loooooooong list of the stupid things people say to us as moms of kids with issues. But today, rather than focusing on the comments and questions, we’re going to concentrate on the responses to them.
Sometimes you just stand there, blinking and silent, like Dora the Explorer. You’re too stunned to even answer.
And sometimes … you just have to say something.
So, without further ado …. here are ….
Martha and Ruth’s Top 7 Responses to the Stupid Things People Say to Moms of Kids with Issues
What are your favorite responses? Or what do you wish you would have said?
“No, please, just ignore what I said in the IEP meeting. I’m sure you know WAY more than I do about his challenges, since I’ve only spent about 250 hours on the internet and taken him to 20 doctors for treatments and advice. But you work in a SCHOOL, so of course, you can see clearly that I’m just coddling him.” Times 1,000. . . . .
So frustrating! It’s so important to be heard …. it would help so much if we could find ways to improve communication with the child study teams, so that they acknowledge OUR expertise as well.
that sounds like some of the teachers that my sons teachers have had. I understand you fully
Would you be available to babysit Friday?
ooooohhhh, that is a good one!!!!
Really? I mean REALLY?
Yes honey, you work so hard all week. Your right I have no idea what YOU go through.
(Honestly who wouldn’t want to work 70 hour work weeks after parenting kids with “issues”)
The “Really??” answer is the one that I’m usually stuck with in my head at the time of actually hearing the comment … and that’s what I’m thinking, when I’m standing there like Dora, blinking …. The snappier comebacks usually don’t come to me until much later (and way too late to be of any use!).
Same here. Shock doesn’t wear off for at least 15-20 minutes.
Oh my gosh, this is SO true. I’m so grateful that we found one another. I can’t tell you how annoyed I get at people telling me how to manage my son. UGH. Or hearing that he will “catch up.” Really? Um, probably not, but thanks for the totally un-insightful comment that makes me just feel worse. You rock.
I’m so happy we’ve connected, too!!! I’ve been following your blog, Facebook, Twitter, etc. … sounds like I’ve been stalking, but really, I’ve been reading! There are so many similarities in our stories — the big one being that we, also, are writing for other moms going through the “issues” thing, to help them to know they are not alone, and that they are doing a GREAT JOB! (And to give them a few laughs, thanks to our long term perspective — our kids are in their 20s — and warped sense of humor.) There is so much negativity and judgment — not just from others, but from ourselves as well (we’re our harshest critics). And it affects so many areas of our lives!
Thanks again, so much, for your support and kind comments. Looking forward to staying connected!
And … I totally want to put “Thank you for the totally un-insightful comment that just makes me feel worse” on a t-shirt ……..
Cracked me up, LOL! I wish I had the guts to say any of those outloud, most of the time I just had to get a good grip and walk away, coz those comments came from people I need to respect or so called friends…
Natalia, this is such a good point! It would be so much easier to just be snarky if the comments were coming from anonymous strangers. And what makes it more complicated is that, often, people are actually trying to be helpful … even though the effect is just the opposite.
From a teacher’s comment of “I don’t need to give your kid accommodations. I have kids in my class with REAL problems.” To “What, is ….. threatening to commit suicide AGAIN?” I’ve heard some amazingly stupid things over the years. Usually, I just shake my head and walk away. Only once have I completely gone off on someone. Family can be the worst. Over time, I have come to the conclusion that unless one has an issues kid, someone just can’t understand. C’est la vie.
You’re right — they can’t, and don’t, understand … We do hope that this blog will somehow help that, since in addition to providing support within our community, we also hope to broaden understanding for the “outside” community as well ….
But I just have to say — WOW. Someone really made such an offhandedly remark about suicide??? Truly unbelievable. And I thought I had heard almost everything.
HI Ruth..I love your list:) TOday I have a blogging friend that is doing a link up with mom’s of kids with special needs…her blog is called kellyskornerblog.
Thanks, April – I will check out her blog!!
The hardest for me has always been when professionals don’t get it.
My daughter was 8 at the time. I told her therapist… HER THERAPIST…. that she had been talking about killing herself … and she said (the THERAPIST said, “It is not ok for her to say things like that … I will have to give her some other words to talk about her anger.”
I said “My daughter is really good at talking about her feelings. When she is angry, she says “I’m mad!” When she is sad, she says “I’m upset.” and when she feels so badly that she feels like she doesn’t belong on the earth, she says “I am going to kill myself!” We NEED to know when she is feeling that badly in order to keep her safe. She doesn’t need “other words” … she needs us to hear how badly she is feeling and HELP her!” I attended that appointment WITH my daughter, and the therapist did follow my request and did just fine with it. But I tell you…. !!!!
Oh my gosh, I’m just speechless. How terrifying for you. I think this is the most terrifying aspect of our kids’ issues … that they will find it all ultimately just too much to deal with. And THAT, my dear other friends, is why we as parents sometimes step in to help them, when it seems to the outside world that we need to crack the whip and they need to suck it up. Because sometimes, there is a lot more that can crack.
I’m so glad that you were able to express things so clearly to your daughter’s therapist, and make the therapist hear you. You rock as a mom! Your daughter is a lucky girl!!!
I have a sign in my garage that I see when I leave every day that says “You can’t fix stupid!” Great post. Thanks for sharing at SSS Hop. I’m your newest Bloglovin’ follower and can’t wait to read more of your blog.
Sew Crafty Angel
Welcome to our blog, and thanks for hosting the SSS Hop!!!!!
Thanks for sharing your post at Raising Imperfection. It’s an awesome post.
Sew Crafty Angel
Awesome! I hope you spew those great replies to any and all insensitive douches you come across. They definitely need an attitude adjustment.
Most of us tend to only think of these replies long after we could have used them …. and as one of our readers pointed out, the comments often come from friends or family who are actually trying to help (but in reality are doing just the opposite). But it does feel good to post these, so I can live vicariously!
LOL, my kids are perfect so I never hear anything like this, buwahahahahahahhhaa SO NOT TRUE!
Thank you for linking to Super Sunday Sync.
Too funny! And so true. I love the one I get all the time, “you poor thing…” What is that supposed to mean? Stopping by from Finding the Funny. Hope you can visit sometime http://www.mommysjuice.com
Hi Andrea, thanks for your comment (I’m adding “You poor thing” to the list we’re collecting!!!) and thanks so much for stopping by! I will definitely visit your blog!